Team Jennifer

The Oscars happened a week ago, and 8 days later I am still bothered by one aspect of the whole show.,Angelina Fucking Jolie denying pizza. She’s beautiful.. I get it. But she’s a whore bag and I can’t get over it. when Ellen ordered pizza and passed it around to the crowd would it have killed her to take a slice and at least look like she was enjoying it. I mean just for the camera for gods sake. What is the last thing Angelina Jolie ate? I mean seriously think about it. Can someone please research it and get back to me? What’s her secret? Infant blood? I’ll buy some. How much? How bad would she look fat.. She’s the kind of person that can only be skinny. Even when she was pregnant she was skinny. I don’t get it. I’m just not into her, I’ve tried for years to like her and i cant. Her lips are dry and she looks bony. I feel like hugging her would give you bruises. I feel like she might be an alien. She’s almost too perfect to look at. I had to rant for a moment.. I hate her so much (Maybe I love her..fuck.)

Memory Mondays

(I was the fattest baby ever.. I actually think i’m holding down my middle finger so I won’t flip off the photographer. I bet he was such a dick)

Everyone hates Mondays..I get it. There’s no need to post it on Facebook or Instagram it. WE ALL AGREE it fucking sucks! Keep it to yourself. So I thought that making Monday something to look forward to would be worth it ( I fucking hate Mondays so much). So I walked into work today after taking an hour and a half lunch (to get my nails done) and it was like I walked into a wall of farts. Legitimately I was worried someone shit themselves.  I get it, you have to fart that’s fine but this was unlike anything I have ever witnessed.  The smell legit almost knocked me over. I would usually blame the engineers because they eat what looks like roadkill, but the culprit was on the Sales side. Some poor, hungover soul almost shit their pants and I legit smelled every whiff of it. So after giving dirty looks to every person I passed walking to my cubicle it hit me that the fart scent was familiar…..

At that moment I was automatically transported back to 5th grade Italian class at Saint Raphael’s. Don’t ask me why I was taking Italian, but I did.. And it was fucking awful. We had this one Italian teacher who legit barely spoke English. Her kids went to our school for free, so i’m sure she wrote up a fake resume like any smart person would and was just half assing her way through each class. Let’s call her Mrs. D for security reasons (Medford Mustangs you know who i’m talking about). I’m not sure if it was her enormous consumption of Italian sausage that made her smell like a nursing home diaper or if she had IBS, but let me tell you something.. her classroom was unbearable. For a private school to hire a shit smelling Italian that took guts. The only Italian thing I can say now is, “sleeping baby.” Which is kinda fucked up now that I think about it. All I learned from that woman was that being Italian meant smelling like cow shit and having the ability to make homemade red sauce, being Irish was never so cool and Prego never tasted so good. Oddly enough my best friend is half Italian but only half so It doesn’t count…(Sorry Ky 143)

Whenever I think of Saint Raphael’s I think of plaid uniforms, the smell of farts, and Strawberry candies. Those candies that no one every bought but everyone ate? What the fuck were those? The candies that you grandmother had at the bottom of her purse covered in crumbs… those ones. They were almost like pot for teachers. And Honestly i’d probably spend $20 on a bag of them now so. I remember sucking on them until the gooey center broke open.(That sounds wicked fucked up, but it’s true) I would have sold my soul for 10 of those mother fuckers back in the day. Teachers would deal them out when kids needed to “relax” and take a break. The best part was in the Spring when you got to eat them with the lights off, because it was hot and Saint Raphael’s was too poor to get AC. Catholic School was the Shit so take a big whiff. 

I’m Back!! Oh and i’m Getting Married..Seriously

Dear Readers out there,

I am so ashamed that I have not blogged in forever. I know I have so many amazing followers (grand total of 5 people most likely, one being my Mom.. Love you Jep) that I want to make sure I try and keep up to date from now on. (It might not happen, sorry) So latest news is that I’m getting married. Yes, yes after dating for what seems like 100 Billion years we are taking the plunge. We are getting married this August in Portsmouth. Planning is going slowly but surely kinda like a speed walking turtle pace, so not that bad. I have a budget that is similar to Kim Kardashian’s so luckily I have people doing everything for me, which is awesome, thank god for money!!! I’ve found my dress, and we found our band so I think the rest is going to fall into place??? RIGHHHHHTTT? I am so sick of people saying that, it’s like every 5 minutes I hear:

“EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE, DON’T WORRY!”

Really, so I legit just don’t do anything and it happens for me? That’s legit. Can it be that way for working out too? That would be fucking awesome… That leads to to my next favorite topic…My Wedding diet. Seriously, I love dieting. The whole challenge aspect is a turn on. Who doesn’t like eating leaves 24/7? Flavorless food is the way to go! I feel like a blonde rabbit every time I consume a meal.. It’s kinda play boy bunny ish actually. I think Hef would be into it.

I do have to say I am awfully thankful for my family and friends because if it weren’t for them, JK and I would probably be getting married on the majestic Aberjona in downtown Winchester, wearing trash bags.

I hope everyone continues to read this garbage.. if not i don’t really care.

UPDATE: DRUM ROLL PLEASE…KIMS BABY NAME!

Rumor has it that Kunty Kim has named her hairy baby angel..Oh and what is the name you ask???? Well i’ll tell  you this much,  its not KillMe or Kinky. I’m pretty sure when Blue Ivy heard this little bitches name uttered, she puked.

And the name is…….

                                       Kaidence Donda West

I couldn’t make this shit up people..Good luck to you Kaidence, bitch you’re going to need it.

Ps. THIS IS JUST A RUMOR but i’m always right

I Hate Talking About The Kardashians But I Have To

 

 

 

It happened. I’m surprised we couldn’t hear Kim’s shrieks all the way from LA, as a furry nugget popped out of her dirty undercarriage. I seriously hate taking about the Kardashians but feel as though it’s my civil duty to talk as much shit about them as I can. Like what I don’t get is how people are going WILD over Amanda Bynes being a little “different,” when we have a fame whore who clearly is not mentally stable reproducing. I hate Kim Kardashian so much it isn’t even funny. The fact that her and Kayne had a baby makes me want to gag. RUMOR has it that this little bitch Kim shit out has a name that begins with a K also.. OMG HOW ORIGINAL. We all know its going to be something fucking retarded like, Kash Money or Knotty Slut. 

 

So what do I think Kim should name her sweet baby angel???

1. Killmenow

2. Krying

3. Kinky

4. Kunt

 

I would legit love any of those names. What truly bothers me the most is the fact that the nug was 5 weeks early and Kim was still HUGE like Jessica Simpson times 10..I make fun of her now but when I get pregnant I will probably be on best rest. I can’t wait to hear what weight loss deal she gets. My guess is Weight Watchers. I can’t wait to see pictures of this little harry princess it is going to be so ugly and awesome!!

 

Pregnancy Is NOT For Everyone.. Kim Kardashian Edition

I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Kim Kardashian pregnant. It was like watching a whale jump out of the water, a scary yet beautiful sight. After seeing this bitch pregnant I never want to even THINK about getting pregnant. I thought Jessica Simpson was bad until I witnessed this slut on ever cover of every magazine. How many small Armenian children were eaten so far in her pregnancy? My guess is around 3…but it’s probably realistically 4. My big question is what the hell Kayne is thinking? I bet he is banging all these skinny bitches laughing his ass off about his whale of a girlfriend. I usually feel kinda bad about talking so much shit (no i don’t) but I hate the Kardashians. I think they are scum sucking fame whores. I refuse to watch the show or even buy any of their shitty overpriced merchandise. The creepy thing is I catch my boyfriend watching ‘Kourtney and Kim’ take Miami all the time. He loves it. The show is so fake I cant stand it. The only thing I DO love about the show is watching Kim cry. She is so ugly when she cries it makes me giggle. I am so scared to see what this baby actually looks like, I just imagine an over weight Kayne midget with a uni brow…does that make sense to anyone else? 

HELP MY PLASTIC SURGERY HURTS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Hate Kids These Days

When I was younger this time of the year meant playing outside non stop. I remember my dad would unplug the TV and write on a piece of paper “go outside” and tape it to the screen. We were then forced to be outside for hours and it was awesome. Kids don’t do that shit anymore. They instead sit inside and eat while complaining to their parents about how some kid made fun of them for crying when chocolate milk ran out at the cafeteria. I’m so sick of these little shits complaining constantly. I blame the parents for lazy parenting. If I ever complained to my parents I would get yelled at. My father instilled fear in us. He was never a ‘friend’, he was parent who would kick your ass if you got annoying. My favorite thing EVER when I was younger was Skip It. I used to wrap that bastard around my ankle and skip for hours. I think at one point i got up to 900 skips. My sister had a purple one and I had pink (obviously). Sometimes I think having a Skip It would still be awesome, It’s pure cardio and would probably kick my ass into shape right quick. Kids these days need something like a Skip It to trim their fat asses. If anyone knows where I can get a Skip It… hit me up.

Truth Life: I’m Addicted To Chocolate.. And Anything Else That’s Edible

We have a snack cabinet at work. Yeah that’s right..a S-N-A-C-K  C-A-B-I-N-E-T  I wouldn’t care if it contained healthy goods BUT it has chocolate covered everything. You name it and it’s chocolate covered and living in our cabinet. So today I decided I was not allowed to go near the cabinet and if I did I wasn’t allowed to eat for the rest of the day. At work i’m kinda like Bruce from Matilda. I truly think snacks should be illegal. Imagine a world where meals were all you had and snack’s didn’t exist. I think my gym would shut down and I also think I would look like Giselle. Today i wore my gym clothes to work so that I would have to work out at lunch. Spring is here and it’s time to get my ass into shape…REAL quick.

Do you Remember?

Suckers from the 80’s/90’s with straight hair must remember these precious gems. I remember the sight of these pieces of shit would bring tears to my eyes. When the holidays came around I ran for cover, knowing what my Mom had in store. We had thousands of these foam curlers stored underneath our bathroom sink. I recall crying while my mom combed my wet hair and wrestled me to put them in. I looked like a 90 year old woman and didn’t quite understand why I had to wear them. The shitty thing was that THEY NEVER WORKED. My older sister and I’s hair would look awful. Our Mom would make us sleep in them and half way through the night I would always take them out in a fit of rage. The next day my Mom would brush out our curls (which made no sense what so ever) to make our hair look like we got struck by lightening. The best part of the whole process was when my Mom would lick her hand and try to tame our hair with her saliva. It was awesome smelling like spit and looking like a special person on Christmas, Easter, and any other time she felt like she wanted to punish us. Kids these days have it so easy I went through hell to look good.

PLEASE  Note: The photo above is real and of my older sister..notice the spit hair.

 

 

 

 

I’m Back In Action BITCHES

I’M BACCCCCCCCCK…. After 8 MONTHS, I am trimming my pink mustache again. My lack of blogging was due to a new job and an adult life..and i’m sorry. So in the past people have asked if they could guest blog and I think it’s a great idea. It will allow everyone to be in the spotlight and get their thoughts out there. SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN MOON LIGHTING FOR MY BLOG. The only rule is that you have to be funny and you can’t suck…also I’ve found that if you blog with just a bra on it makes you feel more comfortable, but that’s up to you. If you can manage that then the floor is yours.

So for work I had to travel to CHI TOWN DOWN. I was only there for two nights and was working most days so I didn’t get to explore the city as much as I wanted. I did find it to be kinda like Boston but a little shittier. Boston wins..hands down, i’m sorry. BUT Chicago does have an awesome foodie scene. We went to dinner at The Purple Pig which was awesome. It was tapas with a twist and really tickled my fancy. For our fancy smancy work dinner we went to Mastros, where I devoured half a cow..while pouring Gorgonzola mac and cheese all over my face screaming THIS IS AWESOME. That was kind of the highlight of my trip. Our trek back to the bean was horrible. WE waited at the AIRPORT FOR EIGHT HOURS. yes..8 hours. I’m not kidding I thought I was going to die. Since the weather was thunder and lightening EVERYTHING was delayed. I witnessed an Asian man puke in front of 300 people in a waste basket. I tried to record it but it was done by the time i got my iPhone going. I think seeing security escort him to the bathroom was the best part. ONE AWESOME THING THAT I DID GET TO SEE AT THE AIRPORT WAS ALLIE FEDOTOWSKY (Bachelorette star who is now a nobody) She was with her hipster boyfriend who looked like Brad from Brad Brad World (Bravo or die). I loved seeing her so much because she looked like shit. Her blonde hair was tied up in a stringing pony tail and she was trying to stand in the corner to hide her bacon greased hair from the world BUT NOPE I saw her..I caught that bitch in the raw. I tried to snap a pic but only got 50 shots of the back of her head which was making me sick to look at because of the greasy slime dripping off. She caught on to what I was doing and ran toward the gate. I guess her bachelorette career turned into nothing, I mean taking a commercial American flight to Californian must have been depressing for her. The one positive thing about her was her Tory Birch boots. They were kickin’. I almost bought the same pair but opted out mid November due to the reality that they were $395 and not needed. I wanted to go up to her and simply say, “Allie I’ll wash your hair if need be..and I won’t even charge you.”

    It feels good to be back bitches.